The honeymoon is over. I have entered a period I like to call the “four-month slump.” It’s a little phase that I never knew existed before I had a baby, and one that I always forget about until my hair starts falling out around four months after giving birth. Literally. By the handful. Pretty gross, right?
I hit the four month mark, and I hit a wall. I think it’s a perfect storm of hormones shifting and exhaustion taking its toll, but three times over, I’ve had the same experience. It’s not depression, by any means. It’s just a feeling of being a little down and overwhelmed, and it always begins with the postpartum hair loss and ends about two months later.
My hair might be falling out by the handful on its own, but I’m also ready to pull the rest out!
I AM TIRED OF BEING TIRED!!! I don’t make babies that easily sleep through the night at 6 weeks. Or 12 weeks. Or ever. I try to savor the midnight nursings, but lately, I pass out in the glider with my baby as soon as he’s latched on to me. We wake up an hour later and start the whole process over again. Eventually he goes back in his crib, and I stumble back to my bed just to be woken up by my two older sons at the crack of dawn, and the day begins anew!
Being so tired makes me downright cranky and crazy. It’s harder to handle my older boys because their normal little boy behavior suddenly seems completely obnoxious and annoying. I get overwhelmed by the fact that we have SO many children, and that life is not going to slow down for the next 18 years or so. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way. I am so blessed to have three healthy, amazing boys, and I have the luxury to choose to stay home with them. I need to enjoy this time, as it is so fleeting! See what I mean about the tired making me crazy? I can’t think straight!
There are other things that aren’t helped by sleep deprivation. I don’t have my pre-baby figure back yet (will I ever??), but I’m far enough postpartum that I can’t exactly use the excuse that I “just had a baby.” I have free daycare at our YMCA, but the effort just to get there seems daunting. I look at the other polished moms at preschool with envy – you know, the ones with the full face of make up, hair and nails done, and the designer shoes? How do they do it?? It’s all I can do to get there on time, and I feel like a frumpy-dump, hopping out of my minivan in a ponytail and flip-flops. I have so many tasks, and so little time, and I feel like someone always wants a piece of me! I don’t have time for blow-drying and pedicures! And who am I kidding? I’m a flip-flop and ponytail kind of girl anyway. Normally it wouldn’t bother me, as I’m comfortable in my own make-up-less skin. I know that the post-baby body is a controversial subject. I’m not talking about being super skinny. I just want the muffin top to go away and look healthy, and since I’ve achieved that goal twice before, I have expectations.
I can’t get anything done around here, and I get down on myself for it. I know moms of multiple kids that mill their own flour and only feed their kids unprocessed, whole foods. I know other moms that do crafts and sew their kids’ clothes and actually keep baby books on all of their kids. I know other moms (who I really, really admire) that work full time, then come home and deal with a gaggle of kids, and they somehow manage to cook and clean and do laundry without sticking their kids in front of the TV. So what’s my problem?!
The good thing about this phase is that I know it has an end, as I’ve been through this before. Eventually, I’ll hit my rock-bottom of sleep deprivation and decide it’s time for baby #3 to learn to self-soothe (You’ll probably see another blog from me then about my love-hate relationship with “crying it out”). Getting to sleep all night again will make me feel so much better. I’ll stop comparing myself to other moms because it’s just wrong. As my hair stops falling out, and I keep up trips to the Y, I’ll feel better about myself physically. I’ll have more energy for chasing my kids around, too.
But for now, can’t I just have a nap?
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